The Forging
Holding space for destruction and creation
I have to write. To let the depth of change begin to crystallize, settle and reveal itself. The rapid pace of shedding and rebuilding is beyond my intellectual grasp. I have witnessed greater alignment and opportunities to deepen my life in the past four months than in nearly a decade, if not my entire life.
For years, the whispers that something was not right ate me up. I was living on a faulty foundation. Layers of insecurity and codependency strapped me down. Internal shortcomings left me depleted, without voice, and rudderless.
Days and years reinforced my unhappiness. That recognition of a life slipping away in the wrong direction. Waves crashed down over and over again until the smooth stone began to disintegrate.
There was no way I could do it. The magnitude of change required to move in a new direction was impossible.
Until the days that I began to drown. Where the world was no longer tenable. I could not hold my daughter above water while I flailed below.
The disentanglement was messy and coincided with unprecedented, rapid change in our country. Looking back showed nothing but scorched earth.
The initiatory period nearly took me down. I was pulled under again and again at the enormity of the destruction and creation coexisting across every facet of my being. Eventually the raging storm calmed into a manageable drizzle.
Life is still fragile. My job and financial security are uncertain. I do not know exactly where we will live in a year.
Yet, my life is bubbling with promise. An herbalism course fills me with wonder, knowledge and medicine. An agroforestry training program teaches me how to farm in a way that centers my love for native plants, and could provide for my family and community.
New friendships are emerging. Native plant enthusiasts. Herbalists. Mothers. Farmers. Mentors. Educators.
New business opportunities are forming. Native food and medicine. Writing. Local and state policy.
Everyday seemingly opens a pathway that was covered by thick vines. My heart opens wider and deeper as my head spins with the incredulity of it all.
I almost cannot believe I am here. There is still so much work to be done. So much that still needs to be revealed and created. But, I am undoubtedly in the forging process. Driven by what feels like a divine presence and supported by a patchwork of spiritual and human guides.
I do not know what tomorrow will look like or really even the end of my day. Instead, I am certain that the bolstering of my spirit will undoubtedly take me where I need to go. My path is here. I am on it.
Your inner strength, perseverance, faith and love will continue to guide you on this journey! You are one amazing woman, whom I am very proud of!